Discipline: What Parents Wish They Knew Sooner About Brain Development

You’re here because you care deeply - and that already says so much. You want more than just getting through the hard moments. You want a strong, lasting connection with your child. You want to raise them to be confident, kind, resilient, and self- aware. And the beautiful thing is - you’re open to learning and doing things differently. That’s a huge sign of a growth mindset. In previous blogs, we discussed that the true meaning of discipline isn’t about punishment - it’s about teaching . Your child’s behavior isn’t a battle to win; it’s a message to understand. All behavior is communication . When kids act out, they’re revealing to us their unmet needs or lagging skills . Yelling or punishing doesn’t support their brain’s growth; in fact, it shuts down the parts of the brain responsible for learning and emotional regulation (the prefrontal cortex) and activates the brain’s alarm system (the amygdala). Real discipline means setting clear boundaries while responding with empathy - so their developing brain, especially the prefrontal cortex, can grow. Think of it like coaching a sport: you wouldn’t punish a child for missing a basketball shot - you’d teach and give them space to practice. Overwhelmed parents often resort to strategies that don’t work long-term—not because they’re “bad” parents, but because they’re exhausted. Everyone deserves real insight, science-backed tools, and the encouragement to shift from survival mode to intentional, connected parenting. Connection and Coregulation: The Foundation of Parenting Your most powerful parenting tools aren’t more Pinterest projects – they are your relationship with your child and your regulated nervous system . You’ve probably heard the phrase “ connection before correction .” When children feel emotionally connected - understood and valued - they’re more cooperative and open to guidance. Connection isn’t about perfection; it’s about being present, listening, and responding with empathy. Without that bond, kids are more likely to resist or act out. This doesn’t mean letting your child’s emotions run the show - it means that children are more likely to cooperate when they feel we’ve made an effort to understand their emotional experience. That might sound like: “Ugh, I know - it’s so hard to take a break when you’re having so much fun playing [ emotional validation ]. You still need to brush your teeth [ maintaining a boundary ]. I’ll race you to the bathroom! [ playfulness bypasses resistance ].” Co-regulation means helping your child manage big emotions by staying calm yourself. Because their brains are still developing, children rely on you as their emotional anchor. Just as babies cry to signal a need for comfort from their caregiver, young children still need to borrow their parents’ calm nervous systems in order to learn self-regulation. By responding with patience and presence, you soothe their nervous system and teach them how to regulate on their own. Each time you model the behavior you want to see, you help your child’s brain form new neural pathways for self-regulation. Connection and co-regulation help move a child from reactivity to receptivity . That doesn’t mean you need to be a perfectly “Zen” parent all the time—no one is. For many, this can be especially challenging if you were raised by parents who struggled with emotional regulation themselves. Maybe you had a parent who exploded under stress, or one who avoided uncomfortable emotions by sweeping things under the rug. This isn’t about blaming our parents, but about recognizing the deeply ingrained patterns we carry into our own parenting. Wherever you’re starting from, it’s always possible to re-regulate your own nervous system and build new patterns - for yourself and your child. Through parent coaching, we can work on staying calm in tough moments by developing body awareness, practicing relaxation techniques, using mantras, setting healthy boundaries, and prioritizing self-care. Both a parent’s and a child’s temperament play a role in how co-regulation unfolds. Some children naturally take longer to co-regulate, just as some parents may find it more challenging to stay regulated under stress. Temperament is shaped by a combination of genetics, biology, and environment - for both parent and child. That’s why personalized coaching is so valuable - it offers clear, practical strategies tailored not only to your child’s unique needs, but also to your own tendencies and strengths, all while supporting a connection-based, intentional approach to parenting. The Key to Emotional Intelligence and Resilience: Identifying and Validating Emotions You’ve had a stressful, demanding day. Your husband comes home and sees you’re upset. He says, “Calm down. It’s not a big deal.” Or maybe he says, “Are you done crying yet? Come talk to me when you’re ready to be happy.” How would that feel? I'm sure no one would find that remotely helpful or supportive. This is exactly why emotional validation matters in all healthy relationships. Emotions are messengers. All emotions are valid. All behaviors are not. Emotions are powerful messengers that reveal our unmet needs . Recognizing and naming them helps us understand why we feel a certain way and what action we may need to take. For example, anger might indicate that a boundary has been violated and signal a need for respect or fairness. Fear might point to a perceived threat and signal a need for safety and security. When emotions are ignored, the underlying needs don’t go away - they intensify over time . In children, this often shows up as escalating behaviors as they try to get the guidance and connection they need. By naming our emotions, we can regulate them more effectively, calm our nervous system, and make more thoughtful choices. When a child is angry because their sibling knocked down their tower, it’s valid that they feel angry. Throwing blocks out of anger, however, is not . All emotions are valid. All are behaviors are not. Emotional validation means acknowledging someone's feelings without judgment. It involves recognizing and accepting their emotional experience, even if you don’t necessarily agree with it. For instance, your 12-year-old might feel lonely because she wasn’t invited to a birthday party. Maybe that wouldn’t bother you personally because you would rather enjoy alone time on the weekend. Regardless, you could validate her feelings by saying, “It makes sense that you feel lonely. It’s so hard when these things happen.” Validation is essential for building emotional intelligence and fostering healthy, open communication. Dr. Dan Siegel coined the phrase “ name it to tame it ,” emphasizing that naming emotions helps calm the brain. Research shows that when we see an angry or fearful face, the brain’s emotional alarm system (the amygdala) is activated, triggering an automatic response. But when we label that emotion - calling it “anger” or “fear - the amygdala begins to quiet down. This happens because the thinking part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) kicks in, helping us process the feeling and soothe the reactive side. This is the essence of the “name it to tame it” strategy: shifting from automatic emotional reactions to more mindful, intentional responses. Connection and Coregulation in Action Let’s look at a few possible approaches to handle this situation: Your 4 year old child is fuming because their 3 year old sibling knocked down their tower. The 4 year old starts throwing the blocks from their fallen tower. ❌ Response A : “It’s not worth getting upset over. It’s fine, sweetie. Just make it again!” [dismissive, prevents skill-building] ❌ Response B : “Oh no! I’ll remake it for you!” [promotes dependency, prevents skill-building] ❌ Response C : “Stop it NOW! Go to your room until you’re ready to be quiet!” [models the very impulsivity and emotional dysregulation you want your child to work through] ✅ Response D : [ takes a slow, deep breath to model calm ] “Your tower got knocked down [ narrates the experience without picking sides to reduce sibling rivalry ]. It makes sense that you are so angry because you worked so hard [ connection, validation ]. I’m not going to let you throw the blocks and hurt someone [ holds a firm boundary ]. [ Coregulate with child ]. What do you think we should do now? [ encourages child to take responsibility ]. Next steps can look like teaching your child communication and conflict resolution skills to be assertive to their sibling ("Don’t touch my tower without asking", "I need space please", "Let's play something else together") or problem-solving skills to decide how to build the tower again. At the end of the day, it’s not really about the tower. It’s about recognizing that even small, emotionally charged moments are powerful teaching opportunities. As a parent, you are your child’s first and most important teacher - especially when it comes to handling emotions. These seemingly minor incidents lay the foundation for how your child will navigate bigger, more complex feelings later in life. For example, if a child has a meltdown and the parent typically sends them to their room to deal with their feelings alone, that child is more likely to become an adult who self-isolates during tough times - increasingly their likelihood of future mental health challenges. However, when a child experiences intense emotions and the parent responds with connection and co-regulation, they are more likely to develop emotional resiliency which will benefit them throughout life. This isn't about shielding kids from difficult emotions or always giving them what they want. In fact, it's the opposite. It's about helping them manage their emotions when things don't go as planned, with your support as they navigate those feelings. Remember, a child that is told not to cry doesn’t feel less sad, they feel less understood. Co-regulation works both in the heat of the moment of your child’s intense emotional storm and proactively when your child is calm. Here’s how you can use it in both situations: In the Heat of the Moment: Focus on keeping yourself calm : Your child mirrors your energy and they need to “borrow” your calm energy to regulate their intense emotions. Keep calm with mantras like “My child is not giving me a hard time. They are having a hard time.” Pause. Breathe. Name the Emotion : Gently acknowledge what they’re feeling, like "I see you're frustrated” to help them feel understood and process their emotion. For some kids experiencing an intense emotion, less is more. A simple “Mmm-hmm” works better. Offer Comfort : Offer a hug, hand holding, space or reduce stimulation by dimming the lights and turning off Guide Deep Breathing : Encourage slow, deep breaths together to calm their body and mind. You can encourage them to use the technique “smell the flowers” [ inhale] and “blow out the candles” [exhale]. Sometimes, taking a slow, deep breath yourself and not pressuring them to join you will model emotion regulation. Provide Space : Move to a quiet area with your child to help reset their emotional state. If your child wants space from you, remove safety hazards from their area (like blocks they can throw) and give space. Stay within sight and remind them you are available when they are ready. Redirect to a Calming Activity : Suggest a calming activity like coloring or listening to soft music to shift their focus. Offer Choices : Empower them with options, like, 'Do you want to go outside or read a book?' For some children having an intense meltdown, choices can feel overwhelming. In that case, offer two simple options by holding out your fists - one for going outside, the other for reading a book - and let them pick a hand. Proactively Teaching When Calm: Build Emotional Vocabulary : Teach your child to recognize and name their emotions. Find opportunities with books, movies, and daily moments. Model Emotional Regulation : Show how you manage your own emotions by talking through it, like “I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths.” Practice Breathing Together : Make deep breathing a regular activity so it becomes second nature when they’re upset. Practice this technique: hold your hand up like a high-five and have your child “smell the flowers [inhale] and blow out the birthday candles [exhale]. Role-Play : Practice how to handle big emotions through role-playing scenarios with pretend-play, dolls and action figures. Create a Calming Routine : Develop a routine (deep breaths, calming music, etc.) that they can use when they need to reset. Consistency and predictability make children feel safe. Praise Their Efforts : Notice when they are using these tools successfully. “Catch them” doing it well and praise their efforts. Parenting with connection and co-regulation isn’t just effective - it’s transformative. Research shows it leads to incredible short- and long-term benefits. It helps kids manage their emotions, builds a stronger bond between you and your child, boosts their self-esteem, and nurtures important social skills. It also sets the stage for lasting resilience, empathy, strong mental health, secure attachment, and greater success at school and in relationships. When you respond to your child’s big emotions with patience and support, you’re doing more than calming the chaos - you’re building trust and teaching lifelong skills. Parent coaching can give you the tools, confidence, and support to make this kind of connection second nature. With the right guidance, you can create a peaceful, connected home where both you and your child can truly thrive. You are their first and most important teacher - and the lessons you’re teaching through positive parenting will stay with them forever. Sources Gershoff, E. T., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2023). The long-term effects of time-outs on emotional development. Developmental Psychology, 59(1), 87–102. Kochanska, G., Aksan, N., Prisco, T. R., & Adams, E. E. (2008). 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